Murca - Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1)    Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL - At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2) Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA - Though she has already hit double

     digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest

     challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of

     bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3) Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL - Ellyana Granneman is the first person in

     the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both

     dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed  

     Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is

     expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4) David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA - At just seven years old, David Ruthstein

     holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on

     the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming

     Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona

     and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times,

    such as outside, during a hurricane.

5) David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL - David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can

     chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed.  

     Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may

     possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6) Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH - Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is

     the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth,

     she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first

     children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7) David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL - David Sanders attends a synagogue in

     Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8) David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV - Though his voice hasn’t even changed

     yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country

     performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute

     ceremonies.

9) Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA - Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore.

     Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first

     Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL - Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who

     was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they

     already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and

     she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA - Noah Adler can garden with the best of them.

     Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah

     boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and

     Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX - Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to

     chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we

     mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

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Las Vegas, NV - Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue of Las Vegas is pleased to announce their new Internet Reality show Lev Hashem’s Next Rabbi.”



We have been without a spiritual leader for over a year and a half now. What better way to choose a replacement, than through a competition show?” Says Karen Gloyd, of the Lev HaShem board.



15 possible Rabbis will compete weekly in different events, such as Speed Torah Scrolling,”Best Drash in under 20 minutes,” and Congregational Referee.”

Each week the Rabbis will be scored by celebrity judges, including Matt Rosenberg, Jonathan Bernis, John Tesh, Paul Wilbur, and the leader of the Real Complete Jewish Synagogue, Joel Liberman. Each week one Rabbi will be eliminated in a gripping Kippah Ceremony.”



The winner of the competition will win a one year contract with Lev HaShem, a trip to Yeshualand for their whole family, and a copy of the new Messianic version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street.”



Celebrity Host for the show will be Sharon Wilbur of The Havdalah Spice Girls.



For more information on the search for the new Rabbi, please visit www.levhashem.org







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Springfield, PA - The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced, this week, a change in policy for renewing membership for 2017. In the past you were able to just fill out a short form, pay the annual membership fee, and be on your merry way. But it’s a new day and The MJAA likes to stay on top of social media trends. Membership renewal will be no exception to this.

“Most organizations will up the membership fee every now and again, in order to keep up with inflation,” explained MJAA Treasurer, Rabbi Eric Lakatos. “In lieu of raising the fee, we opted to offset the cost by ensuring that all MJAA members are serious about being part of our organization. The way we do this is simple; in early 2017 we will be posting on Facebook about our membership fees staying the same price. If you’d like to renew your membership for 2017 you must do three things: 1) You must like our Facebook page 2) You must type 'Amen' on the post about membership 3) You must share our post with all of your friends. We are keeping track of who is following directions and your membership will not be renewed if you do not complete these steps, which will force you to pay full price for all your stays at The Rosen.”

MJAA membership is expected to drop greatly in 2017 due to people who do not follow these directions, as well as those rare few who are not on Facebook. For more information about MJAA membership you may visit http://mjaa.org/membership/

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MT logo 01 revThe Messianic Times has become the leading international Messianic Jewish newspaper since its inception in 1990. Started as a quarterly publication, it is now published six times per year by Times of The Messiah Ministries. It includes news from the worldwide Messianic community, Israeli current events and analysis, opinion pieces, book and music and film reviews, informative articles and a directory of Messianic Jewish congregations.