40 Messianics Actually Able to Pass a Bowel Movement After Congregational Charoset Found to be Laced with Prunes Satire, from our friends at Messianic Meow
Featured

19 April 2017 Written by  The Messianic Meow
Louisville, KY - 40 Messianics from Beth Shelcha Ima Messianic Congregation in Louisville, KY, had quite the surprise last night, after suddenly having to run to the bathroom to pass a bowel movement in the middle of their congregation’s final night Passover Seder. Passover is notorious for constipating Jews everywhere, from consuming matzah three times a day for seven days (or eight, if you aren’t following what The Torah says). Since prunes tend to have the opposite effect of matzah on the digestive system, someone slipped some prunes into the charoset for the Seder. Charoset is an important part of the Passover seder, and is traditionally made in Ashkenazi style, with nuts, apples, wine or grape juice, and cinnamon. Prunes are a nice complement for the aforementioned ingredients, as well as a vehicle to cancel out the destruction of your bathroom habits after copious amounts of matzah eating.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Congregational member, Roz Blackwell. “Normally during Pesach I’m stopped up all week. The matzah…it’s like bricks in your colon. I just wanna plotz, but at 62 years old, I know now that one week every year I just can’t go number two. I just can’t. But gevalt in himmel…wouldn’t you know…somebody got smart this year and mixed prunes in the charoset! Brilliant! Mazel tov! I’d like to personally thank the person who did that, and I might want to apologize to the plumber that had to unclog all the toilets…but I just feel so…whatever the opposite of bloated is. Thank you thank you to the kind stranger that loves my digestive system more than Pharaoh did. THANK YOU!”

Do you like pooping during Passover? L’shana haba’a, we recommend switching to gluten free matzah. While you may not use it to fulfill the mitzvah of a Passover seder, it does allow you to continue your bathroom routine as normal. I know our reporting today is full of crap, but…I gotta go.

Donate to support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

To learn more about The Messianic Meow check out their website and Facebook page.

MT logo 01 revThe Messianic Times has become the leading international Messianic Jewish newspaper since its inception in 1990. Started as a quarterly publication, it is now published six times per year by Times of The Messiah Ministries. It includes news from the worldwide Messianic community, Israeli current events and analysis, opinion pieces, book and music and film reviews, informative articles and a directory of Messianic Jewish congregations.